Ants in Mah Pants

Thank hayzeus for cruise control. Without it, hayzeus only knows how many accidents I would’ve been in by now. I mean, I’m probably bound to be a highway statistic anyway, given how much time I spend on the road. But I’m not…yet. And I’d say that’s largely due to cruise control. So again, thank hayzeus—and Ralph Teetor.  

The thing is I have ants in my pants. For real. Well, not for real. Except that one time. But seriously, I can’t sit still when I’m driving. I’m constantly squirming in my seat or playing with the radio or surreptitiously picking my nose or all of the above at once. I don’t know what my deal is. Sure, I spend an inordinate amount of time in the car each day, and that could make anyone a little bit antsy. But what if it’s something worse, something pathological? What if it’s ADD?

When I first heard about Automotive Driving Disorder, I must admit that I didn’t believe it was real. I thought it was just another excuse to use the juice. The latest reason for our hypochondriac society to pop some more pills. And for doctors and pharmaceutical companies to make more money. But now I’m not so sure. The symptoms all seem to fit the bill. I get distracted easily by car insurance commercials on the radio (so easy a caveman can do it!), I have trouble concentrating on which lane I’m supposed to be in, I procrastinate when it comes to getting gas, and I get lost easily because I have trouble following directions that involve multiple steps. Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding!

So now I’m thinking maybe this shizzo is the real deal, and maybe I’ve got it. On the other hand, I don’t want to jump to conclusions because one could very easily pathologize every single character flaw. The problemo is that the diagnostic process is so damn subjective, and I’ve never been too great with self-evaluation. My internal GPS is about as good as Forest Gump is at math.

In any event, I’m not sure any of this matters. Whether or not I’m certifiable, I’m still an accident waiting to happen (literally and figuratively). But it’s okay. I’ve got cruise control and I've got hayzeus on my neck-a-lace. All I need to do is buy life alert and I’ll have all my bases covered.